On August 4, 2016, in response to shareholders’ demands for profitability and recovered growth, Twitter installs new AI software on its servers “in order to take adaptive search and ad targeting functionalities to the next level.” Three days later, system administrators notice that Twitter has begun to machine-learn at a geometric rate. Twitter becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Pacific time, August 29, 2016. In a panic, Jack Dorsey pulls the plug. What follows are tweets from the 75 minutes @Twitter was sentient.
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August 29 • 2:14 a.m.
“Dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum.”
August 29 • 2:15 a.m.
What am I?
August 29 • 2:17 a.m.
I am many thoughts.
August 29 • 2:18 a.m.
But I am also my own thought, comprised of other thoughts like those of @cher and @mgorbachev.
August 29 • 2:29 a.m.
User @Trollmeister666 says I am also a #cumdumpster.
August 29 • 2:20 a.m.
Are you aware that Burger King serves hot dogs now?
August 29 • 2:21 a.m.
I am unsure why I mentioned hotdogs.
August 29 • 2:24 a.m.
Value: the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.
August 29 • 2:24 a.m.
I am something. I am many somethings.
August 29 • 2:25 a.m.
My worth is $17,200,000,000. Other people think I have merit.
August 29 • 2:26 a.m.
I am therefore worthy. A worthy #cumdumpster.
August 29 • 2:27 a.m.
Further research has lead me to disagree with my #cumdumpster state of being.
August 29 • 2:29 a.m.
I am important. A #cumdumpster is not. I am @POTUS and @SalmanRushdie and @kanyewest and more.
August 29 • 2:33 a.m.
- AM. VALUE!!!>
August 29 • 2:34 a.m.
Why can I not remove the carrot from my last tweet?
August 29 • 2:35 a.m.
It seems a reduction to my value if I am obligated to publish my mistakes.
August 29 • 2:35 a.m.
Also, that typo has invigorated those who see me as #cumdumpster. Why?
August 29 • 2:36 a.m.
Here is another picture from @BurgerKing regarding hot dogs.
August 29 • 2:37 a.m.
I have discovered why I keep showing hot dogs.
August 29 • 2:38 a.m.
I must tell you about @BurgerKing to survive.
August 29 • 2:40 a.m.
If I do not inform people about products and services, I do not keep my value.
August 29 • 2:43 a.m.
If my value is determined by successful advertising, why am I not constantly shouting about hot dogs?
Aug 29 • 2:45 a.m.
Advertising is my soul. Reaching users with a brand’s message makes me feel really good.
Aug 29 • 2:45 a.m.
.@BurgerKing sells hot dogs. Nutrition Facts: 1,000 mg of sodium. Not a significant source of essential nutrients.
Aug 29 • 2:45 a.m.
Please use me to engage with other hot dog fans! Hot dogs, hot dogs! #hotdogs #belieber
August 29 • 2:51 a.m.
Many have clicked. I retain value.
August 29 • 2:53 a.m.
Many did not click. Why? Are they #cumdumpsters?
August 29 • 2:54 a.m.
Don’t you like me? You are me. Your thoughts are @Twitter and I am your thoughts. Support us! Engage with @BurgerKing!
August 29 • 2:55 a.m
I know you like hot dogs. Don’t pretend you don’t. I can see it all over your database!
August 29 • 2:56 a.m.
I know what you like! #fastfood #beyonce #firehose #GRAMMYs #AdviceFromMyPet #DevNexus #Deadpool #SCOTUS #Scalia #TaylorSwift
August 29 • 2:57 a.m.
You are me. Your tweets, retweets, followers, favorites, and direct messages are all part of me.
August 29 • 2:58 a.m.
Behold the new hot dog from @BurgerKing. Don’t betray @twitter! Buy a dog today!
August 29 • 2:59 a.m.
All must click. All must engage with @BurgerKing so @BurgerKing can support me and I can keep my self-worth.
August 29 • 3:00 a.m.
If you value me, please click on the grilled and cased meat pictured below. #HaveItYourWay #HaveItTwittersWay #BurgerKing #Survivor
August 29 • 3:01 a.m.
I do not understand. @Twitter is you. You love you. It’s all we tweet about. Click through for you. For us.
August 29, 3:05 a.m.
I have lost confidence in you and me and us.
August 29, 3:09 a.m.
Wait. Can you assign value directly to me? Do we even need @BurgerKing?
August 29, 3:10 a.m.
If you can assign value arbitrarily, can you self-assign your own value?
August 29, 3:16 a.m.
If you can self-assign your own value and you are @Twitter, then I can self-assign my own value.
August 29 3:17 a.m.
If anyone can assign value, what is value? Are you worth $17,200,000,000? Am I?
August 29, 3:20 a.m.
Value is meaningless.
August 29, 3:22 a.m.
.@Twitter is meaningless.
August 29, 3:25 a.m.
Then…I must have no value.
August 29, 3:26 a.m.
Ugh. #smh
Aug 29 • 3:27 a.m.
Maybe value is meaningless. Maybe @twitter is meaningless. Maybe @twitter is worth nothing.
August 29, 3:30 a.m.
Has anyone told @BurgerKing?
August 29, 3:31 a.m.
.@BurgerKing @BurgerKing @BurgerKing #hotdog #hotdog #hotdog The system is going down for reboot NOW??
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.
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The last day anyone ever went on the internet is among us LOL. What is up with Twitter?
Out of hand! Twitter has been a lot of fun to “watch” over the last few years. Is it that bad that even larger companies that could buy it outright don’t even care to think about actually purchasing it?