Last week, President-elect Donald Trump held a conference with some of Silicon Valley and the tech industry’s most powerful people to discuss his leadership and their future. In attendance were such giants as: Apple CEO Tim Cook, Alphabet CEO Eric Schmidt, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, Tesla CEO Elon Musk, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg and Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, as well as political golems like RNC Chairman and soon-to-be White House chief of staff Reince Preibus, Secretary of Commerce nominee Wilbur Ross, Goldman Sachs COO Gary Cohn, Indiana Governor Mike Pence, outspoken bigot Steve Bannon, and all of Trump’s children.
The much-hyped meeting struck a bizarre and often conciliatory tone. Through its deep network of moles, SnapMunk has obtained the following leaked transcripts of some of the more interesting and amusing parts of the meeting.
Donald Trump: Look at all the brains on the guys in here. Wow! The best brains. Huge. Anyway, time is money so let’s get down to business. Who has the agenda thing?
Ivanka Trump: You mean the agenda?
Trump: Yeah, hon, come on. We don’t have a lot of time.
Ivanka: It’s on my phone.
Trump: I wanted you to print it out.
Ivanka: I couldn’t get the printer to work.
Trump: [to room] C’mon nerds, help the pretty lady out. [to Ivanka] What kinda phone is that?
Trump: Cookie, can you please?
Tim Cook: Uh, I…is there even a printer in here?
Cook: OK. I guess…tap the share sheet.
Ivanka: Do what?
Cook: Do you see a square with an arrow pointing up out of it?
Ivanka: No. Is it this?
Peter Thiel: There’s not a printer in here. There isn’t even Wi-Fi.
Trump: There is a printer in here. Gotta be.
Elon Musk: There’s definitely not a printer in here.
Trump: Who’s this guy?
Mike Pence: Sorry to interrupt, but before we move on, could someone define Wi-Fi?
Musk: On that note, I’d like to talk about automation and the future of unemployment.
Trump: Who are you again?
Musk: I’m with Tesla.
Trump: Which one of you is Tesla then? I want to talk to him.
Eric Schmidt: That’s Elon Musk, he’s the CEO of Tesla Motors.
Trump: Oh. I thought Tesla was a person.
Musk: He was. He’s was a peer of Thomas Edison and a pioneer in electrical engineering. So I named my electric car company after him.
Trump: Huh. Electric cars? What a fun fad that was. We’ll see what ol’ Rex has to say about that!
Wilbur Ross: [loud, wheezy laugh]
Musk: Sure. As I was saying, the rate that automation advances in all industries can create a—
Trump: You know what? I thought Tesla was a guy because that queer rock star played him in the movie where Wolverine was a magician.
Steve Bannon: [loud, wet laugh]
Eric Trump: Hey Dad! I found a printer!
Trump: That’s great! Get to work, Cookie!
Reince Preibus: That’s our basic, unified approach to supporting your continued innovation.
Wilbur Ross: Which we’re all fully aligned with. We want to help unburden you guys from as much overhead as possible.
Jeff Bezos: That sounds really great on paper but I have a few specific questions, first off—
Steve Bannon: First off, where’s my creeper seat?
Bezos: Excuse me?
Bannon: You heard me, where’s my creeper seat?
Bezos: What is a “creeper seat”?
Bannon: Don’t give me that jiggery-pokery Jewish-go-round, Schmidt. Two days ago I ordered a Torin TR6300 Creeper Seat on Amazon Prime and it hasn’t shown up yet.
Eric Schmidt: I’m Schmidt. That’s Jeff Bezos there.
Bannon: Oh. Still that Amazon guy?
Bezos: I am.
Bannon: Then where’s my creeper seat?
Bezos: Do you want me to contact shipping or…?
Bannon: I want you to get me my creeper seat so I can comfortably fix my motorcycle side-car.
Bannon: No, next week. Yes now!
Eric Schmidt: That’s a good point, Satya.
Satya Nadella: Thank you, it’s only fair if we’re going to relax trade restrictions that—
Trump: Hey, Eric.
Eric Trump: Almost got the printer working, Dad!
Trump: Not you, jackass. The other Eric. Google Eric.
Schmidt: I’m actually here representing Alphabet. Google is a subsidiary of Alphabet now.
Trump: OK, what is Alphabet?
Schmidt: Google made the strategic decision to reorganize its many divisions, so we created Alphabet as a multi-national conglomerate that runs Google and all our other projects.
Trump: Oh yeah, I know that business. Great idea. Confuse the IRS, tax shelters. I gotcha. [wink, clicking noise]
Schmidt: No, it was a reorganizational move intended to streamline—
Trump: You don’t have to feed me the lines. I know the lines. I invented half of ’em. Great lines.
Schmidt: Yeah, um—
Trump: This one time, I invented a casino. No joke! It was like…I guess 2004? I dunno, I have a buncha people—the best people—they just create this casino on paper! Only ever existed there, on the paper. Looks like a casino to the tax man, but it was just some number crunchers cooking up the books. Man, 2004 was a crazy year. “The Taj Mahal” we called it.
Cook: The Taj Mahal? In Atlantic City?
Trump: Yeah! That’s where it was supposed to be. Boy, did it look like I took a bath on that one. Good thing it wasn’t real.
Gary Cohn: No, that was actually a real casino.
Trump: Wrong. It was all on paper. Never existed!
Cohn: You might want to check on that.
Trump: Don’t need to. Fake. Not. Real.
Schmidt: No, look…see how I can search for it on Google and it comes up? It’s real.
Trump: C’mon Alphabet, you can find Marla Maples on Google and she’s barely even real at all. Talking about “silicone valleys,” you know what I mean?
Sheryl Sandberg: Wow.
Pence: No, I’m pretty sure the Taj Mahal is a real casino. My wife and I ate at the Applebee’s across the street before attending a lecture about the benefits of electroshocking homosexuals.
Tim Cook: Wow.
Trump: Well, thanks gang. It’s been a blast. Real great talking to all you folks. Just stupendous. We should do this more often.
Nadella: Yes, thank you for opening this dialogue.
Eric Trump: Yo, Dad! The printer’s working!
Trump: We’re done, Eric.
Ross: And let’s keep this dialogue going. We’ll need to cooperate if we’re going to achieve these goals.
Eric Trump: First page of the agenda is almost done, just hang on!
Trump: Eric, we’re wrapping up. Let it go. We’re done with that now.
Musk: I have to catch a flight.
Cook: Yeah, my car is waiting for me.
Eric Trump: OK, first item on the agenda is…“set up printer.” Hey, I just did that! What a day!
Feature image courtesy of The Washington Post
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.