—– IMPORTANT NOTE: These are not real police reports. Yet. ——
Date:
08/23/16 08:46 AM
Case:
HW723482135P
Location:
El Camino & Grant, Mountain View, CA
Case Summary:
Gachina Landscape Management truck failed to secure mower to towing vehicle. Mower detached and rolled down the street, colliding into a Google Driverless Vehicle (GDV). Vehicle continued to In-N-Out Burger, automatically contacted authorities.
Citations:
HH143/4; Failure to Secure Trailer
———-
Date:
08/23/16 10:15 AM
Case:
MR538293JJ
Location:
Michael’s Restaurant at Shoreline
2960 N Shoreline Blvd, Mountain View, CA
Case Summary:
Intoxicated attendee of Phish concert at Shoreline Amphitheater wandered to Google headquarters, fell asleep in the rear of a GDV. At 09:00 AM, GDV began its automated route, rousing the stowaway passenger. Believing himself to be too intoxicated to realize he was driving a car he had no memory of stealing, passenger attempted to take control of the vehicle in attempt to stop it. Passenger drove vehicle through Michael’s Restaurant, into the Mountain View Slough.
Citations:
459/R – PC; DUI
469/64; Reckless Driving
99876UI; Illegal Entry of a Vehicle
237J/U; Illegal Entry Into Bay
———-
Date:
08/23/16 01:24 PM
Case:
YFR2349866222B
Location:
1947 San Luis Ave, Mountain View, CA
Case Summary:
GDV experienced severe tire damage following a possible vandalism, pulled to shoulder to await tow. Witnesses reported local resident Mildred Cline then attacking GDV with umbrella in response to “intimidation.” GDV automatically contacted Mountain View police regarding a possible break-in attempt. Officers explained to Cline that the car posed no threat to her property. Cline returned home after an extended period of yelling to meet with county animal authorities about her alleged dog-hoarding.
Citations:
N/A
Image via pcworld.com
———-
Date:
08/23/16 03:33 PM
Case:
LV934587234A
Location:
Rengstorff Ave & Middlefield Rd, Mountain View, CA
Case Summary:
GDV was heading north on Middlefield Road at the exact speed limit. A 2016 Honda Odyssey attempted a U-turn from the far right-hand lane. GDV stopped mid-intersection to accommodate Odyssey. Light change occurs during polite AI exchange. A Lotus continued through intersection on red light, colliding with GDV, Odyssey.
Citations:
459/R – PC; DUI
60e2.5 – PC; Red Light Violation
484(A); Illegal Turn
469/64; Reckless Driving
———-
Date:
08/23/16 06:19 PM
Case:
6R99121341JVF
Location:
El Camino Hospital
2500 Grant Rd, Mountain View, CA
Case Summary:
GDV on a follow course behind a black Tesla entered the El Camino Hospital roundabout. Driver of a second black Tesla began experiencing a cardiac incident while entering roundabout, immediately enabled Tesla autopilot, which began to follow GDV. First Tesla exited roundabout. GDV followed second Tesla, which was following GDV. Emergency services were prevented from reaching the scene until the Tesla ran out of batteries. Driver’s body recovered without incident.
Citations:
4a/64; Speeding
———-
Louis Weinstein
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.
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Police reports are very specific and accurate. I am very impressed.
I have always wanted to write some really funny stories about tech. some of these instances could easily be used to form a funny story 🙂
LOL, Tesla ran out of batteries! How long would you expect that would take?