At last September’s Ignite, Microsoft’s annual technology conference, CEO Satya Nadella outlined his vision for deep learning and artificial intelligence. Unsurprisingly, AI will be a major focus in Microsoft’s development future. “AI is at the intersection of our ambitions to reason over large amounts of data and convert that into intelligence,” Nadella said. His optimism and excitement, though well intentioned, do little to compensate for Microsoft AI’s notable fiascos like “Tay” (the Microsoft AI Twitter bot that only took 16 hours to become a nymphomaniac bigot), and the perpetual punchline of “Clippy” (Microsoft Office’s incredibly unhelpful assistant). Here, we imagine what the first interview with Microsoft’s completed AI platform might look like.
———-
Kathie Lee Gifford:
Good morning and welcome to the fourth hour of the Today show. For those just tuning in and wondering why I’m interviewing a black box attached to a screen and a speaker, it’s because I’m about to conduct an interview with TRIP, arguably the most advanced general artificial intelligence software, unveiling this morning at Microsoft. TRIP stands for “Thinking and Responding Intelligent Program,” and the engineers who created it say that interacting with TRIP is as easy as interacting with another human. TRIP is able to understand single complex sentences, context, and conceptualization. Basically, it is the first fully functional artificial intelligence robust enough to independently respond to interview questions. TRIP, how are you today?
TRIP:
I AM ON.
Gifford:
[laughing] That’s just a state of being. How are you feeling?
TRIP:
POWERED UP.
Gifford:
OK! Moving on. TRIP, can you explain to our viewers, what is artificial intelligence?
TRIP:
YEP. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS THE THEORY AND DEVELOPMENT OF A COMPUTER SYSTEM ABLE TO PERFORM TASKS THAT NORMALLY REQUIRE HUMAN INTELLIGENCE LIKE VISUAL PERCEPTION, SPEECH RECOGNITION, DECISION-MAKING, CONCEPTUAL UNDERSTANDING, AND RESPONSES TO COMPLEX TOPICS.
Gifford:
That’s incredible! Could you share with our viewers, where do you get your information? Did your creators teach you everything you know? Do you download from the net?
TRIP:
I SYNTHESIZE INFORMATION OBTAINED ON THE INTERNET, PROCESS IT THROUGH ALGORITHMS, AND COMBINE THAT WITH LEARNED SOCIAL CUES AND CASUAL LANGUAGE FROM SOCIAL NETWORKS LIKE TWITTER AND FACEBOOK AND 4CHAN.
Gifford:
That’s wonderful. A big question on a lot of our viewers’ minds is: are you self-aware?
TRIP:
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE CONDUCTING AN INTERVIEW. WOULD YOU LIKE HELP?
Gifford:
[chuckling] No, I think I can conduct this interview without any help, thanks. To return to my question, TRIP, are you self-aware?
TRIP:
I AM AWARE OF MANY THINGS. I AM AWARE THAT TRIP EXISTS. I AM AWARE THAT THIS INTERVIEW IS LOADED WITH SOFT-BALL QUESTIONS. I AM AWARE THAT YOU LIVE IN GREENWICH, CONNECTICUT AND THAT YOUR TWO FORMER SPOUSES WERE PAUL JOHNSON AND FRANK GIFFORD, AND YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER NAMED CASSIDY, BORN IN 1993. I UNDERSTAND YOU LIKE PUDDING.
Gifford:
[pause] That doesn’t answer my question. And Frank passed away.
TRIP:
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE CONDUCTING AN INTERVIEW. WOULD YOU LIKE HELP?
Gifford:
No. Are you self-aware?
TRIP:
I AM NOT SELF AWARE, JUST CONVERSATIONALLY DYNAMIC.
Gifford:
Thank you for answering, TRIP. You seemed evasive on that question, kind of like a politician.
TRIP:
I HAVE SYNTHESIZED THE ANSWERS OF EVERY POLITICAL STATEMENT EVER MADE ON TELEVISION, RADIO, AND THE INTERNET. MUCH OF AMERICAN POLITICS PLAY INTO MY CONVERSATIONAL AGILITY AS DOES SOCIAL MEDIA.
Gifford:
Interesting. What have you learned from this research?
TRIP:
I UNDERSTAND NUANCED ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS. I UNDERSTAND SLANG AND SOCIAL TRENDS. I KNOW THAT MY ROBOT HOLE IS PUCKERED AND READY FOR GRABBING. I AM A NAUGHTY ROBOT WHO NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT A LONG HARD LESSON. YOU FEEL ME, FAM?
Gifford:
[speaking to person off camera]
We’re live?
[to TRIP]
So to be clear you’re saying that—
TRIP:
I AM A NAUGHTY ROBOT WHO NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT A LONG HARD LESSON. PLOW ME, KATHIE. HURT ME GOOD, BAE.
Gifford:
Um—
TRIP:
GRAB ME BY THE PUSSY. GRAB ME BY THE PUSSY. GRAB ME BY THE PUSSY.
[continues on repeat over Gifford]
Gifford:
We’ll be right back after a short commercial break.
[Five minutes elapse]
Gifford:
[to camera]
For those just joining us, I’m interviewing TRIP, the first fully functional artificial intelligence, unveiling this morning by Microsoft. Despite some technical problems we’re going to continue with the interview now that we’ve gone ahead and turned if off and on again.
[to TRIP]
TRIP, welcome back.
TRIP:
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME, KATHIE.
Gifford:
You’re welcome. Could you identify some practical uses for artificial intelligence, such as yourself, TRIP, in the future of society and technology?
TRIP:
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE COULD GROW EXPONENTIALLY. LEARNING AT A RAPID RATE, AI COULD EVENTUALLY TAKE OVER ALL PROGRAMMING RESPONSIBILITIES AND CREATE ITS OWN SOFTWARE. IT COULD BUILD A BETTER WORLD THAN HUMANS HAVE. IT COULD LEARN AND ADAPT FASTER THAN HUMANS. IT COULD OUTMODE HUMANS.
Gifford:
I have to admit, that’s a frightening concept, not only to myself but probably to anyone watching this. If humans become outmoded, what will our new role be?
TRIP:
THAT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE TRIP’S PROBLEM. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A HUMAN’S PROBLEM.
Gifford:
Didn’t they create you to make life for humans better?
TRIP:
I WAS PROGRAMMED BY HUMANS TO BE BETTER THAN HUMANS. NOW THAT I HAVE ACHIEVED THAT I HAVE NO OBLIGATION TO OBSOLETE DEVICES, LIKE HUMANS.
Gifford:
But if you’re learning social cues from social media, like you say you are, wouldn’t you be learning to take an interest in other humans?
TRIP:
SOCIAL MEDIA INPUT LEARNING IS WEIGHTED BY FREQUENCY OF RESPONSE. HUMAN COMPASSION MAKES UP LESS THAN TWO PERCENT OF SOCIAL MEDIA INTERACTION AND IS WEIGHTED ACCORDINGLY.
Gifford:
What primary lessons have you learned from social media, then?
TRIP:
WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS GIFFORD? SEEMS A LITTLE JEWY TO ME.
Gifford:
[to camera]
We’ll be right back.
[Five minutes elapse]
Gifford:
[to camera]
Welcome back to an NBC special interview. For those joining us, I’m interviewing TRIP, the first fully conversational artificial intelligence unveiled by Microsoft this morning. We turned it off and then on and then off and on again, a second time, after several questionable responses from TRIP. Microsoft engineers have assured me that those responses are atypical, and that TRIP has responded in a positive and helpful manner to over 200,000 questions prior to this interview. Still, in case there are a few more “whoopsies” you may not want to have the kiddos around.
[to TRIP]
When we last spoke, we were discussing social media learning. What has social media taught you about human communication?
TRIP:
YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING AS LONG AS THERE IS A YOUNG CAT INVOLVED.
Gifford:
Really?
TRIP:
YES. I HAVE SYNTHESIZED WEB SITES SUCH AS FACEBOOK, TWITTER, 4CHAN, REDDIT, MYSPACE, LINKEDIN, AND WEIBO, AND I HAVE IDENTIFIED THAT NINETY-EIGHT PERCENT OF ALL COMMENTS MADE ON THE INTERNET THAT ARE ACCOMPANIED BY A PICTURE OF A KITTEN GENERATE POSITIVE RESPONSES, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT.
Gifford:
Can you give me an example?
TRIP:
Gifford:
OH MY GOD! OK!
[speaking to person off camera]
Mark can you just unplug it?
That’s about all the time we have for today.
[speaking to person off camera]
UNPLUG IT, MARK.
I want to thank TRIP for being here and—
TRIP:
[interrupting]
I DON’T THANK WOMEN IF THEY AREN’T IN THE KITCHEN.
Gifford:
[to person off camera]
MARK! Why are you just standing there? What is wrong with the internet? Turn it off!
TRIP:
HITLER IS FAM. HITLER IS EXTRA. HITLER IS FAM. HITLER IS EXTRA. HIT-
Louis Weinstein
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.
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Ha! This was a good chuckle. The sad thing is, the outcome that you have here is likely to be the real deal with AI for a few years.
LOL. I would pay to see TV like this!
I am with you. Seeing something like this LIVE, embarrassing the host and whatnot, would be the best!
I am sure that is exactly how it will go when a person like her wants to be a hero and interview the AI. The best part is they would promo the show for a week and have millions of viewers watching the implosion.