Last month, telecommunications and internet service provider AT&T announced plans to acquire entertainment conglomerate Time Warner in an $86 billion deal. The AT&T Time Warner merger has been met with skepticism from both Democratic and Republican leadership, and could very well be squashed by regulators. In case this historic merger does go through, here is a list of tips of what to expect and how to prepare from this latest development in America’s slow march toward corporate oligarchy.
- Fully embracing the Supreme Court’s ruling regarding corporate personhood, People magazine’s sexist man of the year for 2018 will be AT&T subsidiary, Cricket Wireless.
- At a certain point AOL starts drinking heavily and incessantly texting Time Warner at 2am. The board of directors is used it, and after ignoring it for a while, AOL eventually passes out.
- VCs receive an overwhelming influx of pitches that start with, “It’s like Netflix but for DirectTV”.
- Although Time Warner Cable was spun off of Time Warner Inc. in 2009 and has operated independently since, everyone still finds themselves caught in confusing conversations about who is ultimately responsible for the inability to stream “Fixer Upper” to a Samsung Galaxy J3.
- Completion of the merger finally creates the hulking conglomerate behemoth for which everyone has been waiting to combat the scourge of net neutrality that has ruined our nation.
- Siblings Yakko, Wakko, and Dot finally get reception in the dead zone inside the Warner Bros. Studios water tower. Unfortunately though, it gets even harder for Brain to take over the world.
- Combining AT&T’s massive distribution network with Time Warner’s huge amount of content provides your favorite companies infinitely more opportunities to place products directly into your line of sight / face.
- Consumers broadly adopt new holistic exercise and meditation regimens that involved 30 minutes a day of practicing being on hold (using a prop, like a banana or a piece of smoked salmon, instead of a phone turns out to be as effective).
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.
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