From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 6:41 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Stanford Speech
I don’t want to do the standard West Coast stump. Can we pepper it with some pro-tech language?
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 6:43 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Sure. Do you want pro-business tech or tech and government?
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 6:45 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Not sure. What is polling better?
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 6:52 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Both are equal. New one from CNN says there’s doubt about your tech savvy in key demos.
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 6:55 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
It’s because of the fucking fax machine emails. When we were erasing everything why didn’t we get those too? Thousands of messages released and half of them are about that motherfucking fax machine never working. Makes me look like Grandma.
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 6:58 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
The fact that we are using a fax machine at all dates us as an org.
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:01 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Have you ever tried getting through to any Republican or Dianne Feinstein without a fax machine?! Impossible.
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:04 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Why don’t we do something on encryption?
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:06 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
What’s that?
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:08 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Not sure. In the news a lot.
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:12 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
I Yahoo!’d it. It’s the thing we didn’t do right on the email server.
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:16 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Yeah, that’s it. You want to do something on that?
—
From: H <[email protected]mail.com>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:18 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
OK but we have to make it sound like we know what we’re talking about. Who on staff can help with that?
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:23 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Bryan Pagliano? He’s the only tech guy we know.
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:27 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Fuck him. Turncoat. I don’t want to hear that nerd’s name again. I never asked shit from him. He dicked around on his phone all day and got paid. Never once helped when the email was down. Ask him for one little lie to one House Select Committee and he pleads the fifth like a slimy bitch.
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:31 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
OK, nevermind. Maybe Chelsea knows someone?
How about:
“Encryption is a vital part of our digital lifestyle but safety is a part of our analog lifestyle. We have to make a union of these two needs.”
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:36 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
That’s terrible.
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:40 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
How about:
“Encryption is a growing concern in this industry and in our country. Like you, I want to keep my private life private. But as the former secretary of state, I know about the digital risks we face from foreign and domestic cyber criminals. There has to be an agreement from tech companies to work with government to ensure our safety as well as our privacy.”
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:43 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Better but seems wordy. Massage it. Can we name-drop a donor here to segue into supporting startups? Who are donors in the region?
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:50 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Reid Hoffman/LinkedIn
Evan Williams/Medium
Marc Benioff/Salesforce
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:53 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
That’s it??? These nerds were tripping over their dicks for Barack. It was a fucking cash geyser! Where is Uber? Where are the cool ones you have on your phone? Crap, I feel like a crone.
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 7:59 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Very poor response to when you said:
“Many Americans are making extra money renting out a spare room, designing websites, selling products they design themselves at home. This on-demand or so-called gig economy is creating exciting opportunities and unleashing innovation, but it’s also raising hard questions about workplace protections and what a good job will look like in the future.”
Also, nobody really bought the whole “tech and government Manhattan Project” bit.
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:02 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Jesus. What was I supposed to say? Nobody will be happy unless we’re simultaneously a Randian hellscape and socialist paradise. Work with what we’ve got. What is a Medium?
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:06 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Not entirely sure. Think it’s like a blog repository but anybody can write there? It’s like reading the comments section of a NYT article if every comment were at least 1,000 words long.
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:09 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Dear lord, what is wrong with this generation? So my options are LinkedIn and Salesforce. Ugh. This must be what McCain felt like. Who gave more?
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:10 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
LinkedIn. Just barely.
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:13 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Fine. Toss them in somewhere, move the job growth bit up and have Mark do a clever segue. Fuck.
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:14 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
OK, will do. Remember to delete these messages.
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:17 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Good call, thanks. How do I do that?
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:18 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
It’s the trash can icon.
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:19 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
I don’t see that.
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:20 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
It’s in the corner.
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:21 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
I’m looking in the corner.
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:22 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Bottom right?
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:25 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
I see an arrow and a triangle. The triangle shows me smiley faces. Can this phone do those?
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:26 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Do what?
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:29 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
IT CAN!!! ????
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:33 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
Please delete these emails.
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:35 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
I LIKE THIS ONE: ?
—
From: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:38 PM
To: H <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
We have a meet this afternoon, I’ll show you how to delete then.
—
From: H <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, May 21, 2016 8:41 PM
To: Abedin, Huma <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Stanford Speech
??????????????
———————————
Feature image courtesy of dailysignal.com
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.
- “In Fairness, I Just Recently Learned What a ‘Woman’ Is”, by Travis Kalanick CEO of Uber - March 29, 2017
- Leaked: Donald Trump’s Meeting With His Business Advisory Council - February 9, 2017
- Prep-Meeting For The Meetings On-Boarding Meeting: Meeting Minutes - January 26, 2017
The discovery of the emoji’s is a classic.
I really like a good laugh. Just seeing Clinton’s image is usually enough, but these emails read just like you would expect them to. Great work!
Oh man! This was a perfect laugh for my holiday weekend. Thanks again!
I Yahoo’d it! That was classic LOL!