Make sure you keep a close eye on these exciting new startups launching in 2016! We can’t wait ’til
the bubble bursts these guys all go public!!
“We digitize communications!”
A messaging service that has spent practically all their venture capital trying to fill a perceived gap between MSN messenger and Slack.
“Communications Digitized, Comrade!”
An alternative to Commergital that also isn’t Slack…and also, it’s marketed to Soviets.
“Tomorrow’s look, today.”
Consumer-level age progression software, making your current social media picture look age appropriate without updating.
“So easy, even meat-heads love it.”
People management software for mid-range gyms.
“Your digital lifestyle’s lifestyle.”
If you put a gun to the CEO Scooter Reston’s head, he couldn’t concisely explain exactly what his company does.
“ShaSha says bark!”
Crowd-sourced reviews of dog groomers.
“Plug it in, baby!”
Wholesale electrical outlet aggregator.
“Slay it with 1st Phase”
Formerly a digital investment firm, pivoted for more funding, currently RPG gaming company.
“The magic of investments!”
Former investment analysts for 1st Phase. Very short runway due to low funding.
“Digital paving for off-road synergy.”
Scooter from ComCom.net’s second company. Equally inscrutable. Well funded.
LLC created as complex tax shield, parent company of Paradignamics and ComCom.net.
“The REAL digital superhighway.”
Search engine powered by Bing.
“Don’t try to understand ’em, Just rope, throw, and brand ’em.”
Time and attendance tracking software for small to large businesses.
“Do you hear the drums, Amando?”
iOS/Android Gay Social Media App.
“Cookies are what you make them!”
Nabisco’s outsourced social media platform.
“Talk about work!”
A social media platform for businesses that isn’t LinkedIn.
“He shorts, he scores!”
Sports-themed day-trading app for the bro-investor.
“Google no more!”
An app that better displays your Google search results.
“Biggest Stars, Smallest Screens”
Search engine for pics of topless celebs.
An app that better displays your GoogStar search results.
“Baby’s first Twitter!”
Twitter for babies.
“Hope doesn’t burn.”
Social network app for people who lost everything in a fire, except their mobile device.
“The phoenix of fire damage.”
A metrics analyzer for families using CharrNet, allowing you parse responses and engagement by compassion, giving, peak care time and more!
“I’ll Zirtz it to ya!”
A new digital currency. Somewhere between Bitcoin and Flooz.
“I’ll Zirtz it to ya, sir!”
Like Zirts, but for Military Police.
“Slip me some Mondocoin!”
A newer digital currency. Somewhere between Bitcoin and Zirtz.
“Always carry your Pocketbook!”
A digital wallet that organizes your bank records. Integrates with Flooz, Bitcoin, Zirtz, CashMP, Mint, Paypal and the donations tab of CharrNet. Not compatible with Mondocoin.
“Porn so heavenly it belongs in the clouds.”
Cloud storage for pornography. Access anywhere for the masturbator on the go.
“This is heavy!”
A network to connect people who need to move heavy stuff to people who like lifting heavy stuff.
Feature image courtesy Reddit.com
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.
Latest posts by Louis Weinstein (see all)
- “In Fairness, I Just Recently Learned What a ‘Woman’ Is”, by Travis Kalanick CEO of Uber - March 29, 2017
- Leaked: Donald Trump’s Meeting With His Business Advisory Council - February 9, 2017
- Prep-Meeting For The Meetings On-Boarding Meeting: Meeting Minutes - January 26, 2017