It’s that time again! With technology hubs popping up coast to coast, the market for startups grows wider and wider. Here are some hot new startups to watch, Spring 2016 Edition.
“Ya, mon. Conceal it. Carry it.”
App for liberal gun owners that locates gun shows in your area, but is disguised to look like a more socially acceptable medical marijuana dispensary locator.
“What is that, water erosion?”
Analyzes photos of rocks to determine type of erosion.
“Rub it in!”
Crowd-sourced reviews of moisturizers.
“Mrs. Ford’s Wards”
Official app of the Calista Flockhart fan club.
“One of you will betray me.”
Local co-op multi-player Christian-interest video game where player one (Jesus) has to determine which of the other players (disciples) will betray them.
“Finding purpose through angry phone calls.”
A social media app that matches Comcast customers who have billing or service issues with kinky submissives who have verbal abuse fetishes.
“To have, to hold, and to plan for contingencies.”
A probability calculator for your spouse’s projected lifespan.
“Find your home, don’t settle for less.”
An app that analyzes the user’s imported financials, then shows them what homes they can afford in their area. Not available in California.
“We provide a service!”
Uber for professional escorts.
Uber for deserts.
“Feel the wheel!”
Uber but for artisanal unicycles.
“Yup, that’s a mountain.”
Analyzes photos to determine if distant land masses are tall enough to be mountains.
“Sometimes you just have a quick question.”
Secure chats with experienced on-staff nurses. Quick medical advice with end-to-end encryption. Accounts start at $1,000 per month.
A VR platform dedicated to people who want to spend their free time / all the time living as pirates.
“App Shop Smarter”
A mobile app store alternative that routes you back to your platform’s built-in App Store for purchase.
“Gimmie a Kiss!”
A Henry Kissinger emoji keyboard. Not available in Cambodia or Vietnam.
“That’s no mountain!”
MoleHill competitor. Analyses photos to determine if distant land masses are short enough to be hills.
“It’s time to go.”
Bio-feedback app that tracks how often you’ve been peeing.
“The whipped scourge.”
Slender Man clone. First person shooter except the stalker is a blender with googly eyes.
“Pitching is the art of instilling fear.”
A Sandy Koufax–themed collaborative digital scanner/faxing app marketed to startups making Series 1 funding pitches.
“Olaf till it hurts!”
Comedy app created as a monetizing vehicle for Josh Gad.
“Car registration made sexy.”
Gratuitously buxom avatars named Dee, Em, and Vi help users navigate the gratuitously complicated California DMV website. CEO Scooter Reston advises a version marketed to women is “in development” with no scheduled release date.
“Woo Pig Sooie”
Simulation pig cultivation for agriculture educational institutes.
“Wait for it…”
Digital paint drying simulator.
From the makers of V-Arrr (but for Gauchos).
App for sourcing industrial material for college art projects.
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.
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