— A crowdfunded startup is sometimes nothing more than a terrible idea wrapped in showmanship. With that in mind, here is a fictional but all-too possible launch speech for an all-too-real product —
H-Duo Launch Speech Transcript [with delivery notes]
Hare krishna. [Consciousness pause] I am Xander Deep-River, CEO of Spark One. Today, I’m excited to debut a new lifestyle aid for personal hydration: H-Duo. [Hold for applause] I know what you may be thinking: The H-Duo is just a cup. [Really connect and tackle this issue first] The H-Duo is so much more than that: it is an unparalleled companion for your health. The H-Duo is an intelligent cup that automatically knows and tracks everything you drink. [Hold for applause]
Personal hydration isn’t just about 8 cups of water a day — [dismissively] no matter what your physician says. What kinesio-holistic body science [sell meaning] actually tells us is that hydration needs differ greatly from person to person. For example, a bigger and more active person might need more water than a smaller, sedentary person. [Paint the picture, show value] We’ve spent countless hours and thousands of dollars of our crowd-sourced funding to make this and many other hydration discoveries. Still, there’s so much to learn about being thirsty. [Lots of wonder, bordering on awe]
The H-Duo is a digital cask that can contain and measure any beverage, be it water, coffee, green juice, or even organic locally sourced ethically fermented barleywine. It works just like a water bottle might, except this one talks back to you…digitally. [More wonder, awe] After running your customized aquametrics through our patented H2ometer algorithm, H-Duo digitally transmits your consumption rates to your mobile devices, ensuring that all of your health-tracking accessories know how wet you truly are. It is a revolution in home-health and self-fitness; the product for our time. Personalized hydration at a micro-scale, in the palm of your hand.
Like many of life’s challenges, the path to H-Duo was long and winding. [Cue Enya track, “cosmos” slide deck] It began in 2014 when a Krishna guru, who never gave me his name, led me on a vision quest to find my purpose. [Intensely] After two days of peyote tea and drumming, I woke to find myself naked, alone, and thirsty, left to my own devices on the Black Rock playa. [Dramatic pause] Until this time I had never truly noticed how much water my body was losing simply from playing the drums and hallucinating feverishly. If that was making me so thirsty, how much hydration must dancing, jogging, typing, or barre class take?
I raced across the harsh sand searching for my campsite, my purpose now defined. When I returned the guru was leaving, but he spoke to me one last time before shuffling off in his dirty Chukkas, loincloth flapping behind him. “Welcome, Xander Deep-River, to your purpose.” [Echo effect, pause for impact] That is not only how I acquired my spirit name but also how I found my life-goal. My calling. H-Duo. [Hold for thunderous applause] It was a Burning Man I’ll never forget. [Maybe omit direct reference to Burning Man? Focus groups suggest it might detract from the brand more than it adds. Circle back to this before presenting]
Now we have H-Duo. It ships with a docking puck and charger cable to power your Bluetooth cup as elegantly as it presents it. Our bespoke app for Android and iOS makes sure your Duo folds in perfectly with your digital lifestyle. [Be as genuine as possible] With H-Duo, you can have your hydration data mapped directly to many of the leading fitness devices, including Apple Watch and FitBit [If FitBit enters the next round of financing, only say FitBit].
The Duo is truly a revolution of imbibability and quench technology. Know how much water you should drink, and how much water you already drank. Take the overcomplicated stress of thirst out of your mind. [Use comfort as a tactic] Trust H-Duo to push notifications that dictate your water needs, saving you from ever having to think, “I’m thirsty.”
H-Duo. Hydrate. Lifestyle. [Homerun this, marketing is shopping it as a slogan]
Thank you so much.
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.
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