On September 22, 2016, it was disclosed to the public that 500 million user accounts had been compromised in the Yahoo hack; the largest data breach in the history of the internet. Names, email addresses, telephone numbers, dates of birth, hashed passwords, and, in some cases, unencrypted security questions and answers were stolen.
Though massive in scope, the actual information obtained in the theft belonged largely to technology neophytes, porn enthusiasts who needed a secret second email account, Windows Phone owners, and the elderly. In this exclusive, Snapmunk shares the shocking details—now exposed—of some of the personal data captured in the breach.
– Similarities between 80-year-old Iowa resident Millicent Fessbegler’s passwords for Yahoo! mail, Pottery Barn, and Medicaid.gov
– A folder of email notifications from Facebook confirming Aunt Susan’s vague racism
– User Karl Overmeyer’s approximately 5 fucking gigabytes of Michael’s coupons. Five gigabytes
– Confirmation that Dicky Sempson, the stupidest person from your 7th grade class, is behind most of the Yahoo! Answers
– A recently deleted folder full of heterosexual pornography advertisements sent to BigGayDickPig@yahoo.com
– The security questions to get into Marissa Meyer’s home device network, shared to 4Chan, resulting in a 90-minute game of “garage door chicken”
-A Yahoo! Briefcase containing two documents: emergency contact information for the worst daycare in Mississippi, and an inaccurate inventory of Cher’s discography
– Milo Kontannopolis’s 286,000 high-resolution, over-airbrushed nature photos, all individually uploaded to Flickr, each plastered with a conspicuous watermark set in Papyrus
– The Topeka Kansas Rotary Club minutes from last Tuesday indicating that the board was leaning toward adopting the 2016-17 budget without amendments
– Jim VanDerCram’s exchange with Grindr customer support about restoring paid Xtra status after a phone operating system upgrade
– A series of emails from Sloanne Horton that was intended for her church group but inadvertently sent only to herself, each message escalating in frustration, culminating in her total rejection of God
– User TwiddleWeedAndMillerHighLife@yahoo.com, belonging to your 16-year-old daughter Marnie, who strongly prefers dank Indica buds
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.
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