Luke,
I hope I can be candid with you. Your Uncle Owen led me to believe that you are a responsible, trustworthy young man. You have been respectful and courteous every time you have visited my shop. You pay for items promptly, and on several occasions you have gone out of your way to help me out with small tasks, like the time you repaired that GX-8 water vaporator. So I hope you will understand why I am both disappointed and angry that you have still not come by to pick up all these fucking power converters, months after you had me special order them.
As you are well aware, the space I rent for my shop at Tosche Station is very small. When you specifically requested that I order a crate of TXJ-1043 9000-watt to 5-watt power converters, I told you they were specialty items, very niche, and would be hard to resell. I took you at your word when you told me they were the only type that work in your Landspeeder, and that you would return to pick them up in no later than ten days. Yet here I sit, surrounded by these goddamn power converters with nobody to sell them to. Not even the Empire uses them.
If I could just return them, I would. They came from Coruscant and I have no practical or affordable way to send them back. The cost of having them shipped to Tatooine was the most expensive part of the order, and I’d like to see you get any galactic wholesaler to agree to a refund on shipping. Clearly, I will not be ordering anything “special” for you again.
The thing that galls me the most is the way you completely and totally disappeared as soon I put in the order. I sent word to your uncle’s farm after ten days or so, requesting that you come by and take these hunks of shit off my hands. I never heard back. I’ve attempted to contact you by comlink, but my calls have all gone unanswered or have been returned with a “comlink no longer in service” hologram. Owen and Beru, if you’re reading this, I am frankly embarrassed for you.
Let this letter also serve as my official request for full and immediate repayment on the Lars family credit line. I look forward to the prompt resolution of this matter and sincerely wish I don’t have to get the Hutts involved. Good luck finding a better price on Blue Milk.
— Urk Farkanit
Speciality Items, Tosche Station
Image courtesy Stephen Hartman via Tumblr
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.
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LOL. I really get a kick out of the amount of Star Wars talk over the last week or so on the internet leading up to the movie release. I get the marketing, the advertising and getting the attention of your readers, but there are so odd ones out there.