Through our ubiquitous underground network of ethically vacant culture correspondents in Silicon Valley, we have obtained the leaked document below; its contents represent the meeting minutes taken at a meeting that was scheduled to help people prepare for a meeting about an app being designed that helps employees schedule meetings. The app is called, Meetings.
Meeting Date: 1/25/17
Start Time: 10:00am
In Attendance: Elisha Trammel (ET), Gary Steinmets (GS), Mark Edwards (ME), Ibraheem Nihilani (IN)
Call to Order
A leadership meeting to prep for the on-board meeting of Meetings app’s second-round hires and interns. As a leadership team, this time will be used to ensure the 2/12 meeting runs on time and is content-rich.
Review of Previous Minutes
Previous Meetings meeting on 1/18 covered the following issues:
- GS reviews new business
- IN outlines challenges with the syncing architecture
- ME outlines new UI for tablet rollout
- ET presents and reviews candidates for second-round hires and interns, on-boarding meeting scheduled
- GS adjourns meeting
- ET suggests follow-up meeting to outline strategy for on-boarding
Agenda Item 1—Meeting Expectations
- GS sets expectations for future Meetings meetings. GS notes that in-office meeting space is limited and meetings should be scheduled with regard to development issues with Meetings, i.e. no meeting for the sake of meeting prep.
- ET advises disparate on-boarding scheduling is being met with resistance, and that prior to 2/12 meeting, meetings outside of Meetings development will be crucial in meeting HR goals.
Agenda Item 2—Meet & Greet
- ET would like to start on-boarding with meet/greet.
- ET would like Meetings app beta to serve as primary schedule resource for on-boarding meeting.
- IN: “Meetings app meeting minimum expectations for ‘Meetings Schedule’ view” is feasible.
- ME also advises “Meet/Greet” meeting in Meetings feasible since “Meetings View” UI development goals were met.
- Meet/Greet successfully added to Meetings, meeting Meetings “Meetings Schedule” development goals.
Agenda Item 3—Food
- On-boarding meeting is all-day meeting, food will be provided.
- ET advises there are dietary restrictions for new hires. Intern Susan and dev Sumeet are meat-free.
- ACTION ITEM: ET to meet with vendor for Susan and Sumeet’s meat-free meeting meal.
Agenda Item 4—App Notifications
- IN: “Meetings notifications for ‘Meetings View’ appointments not firing if ‘Meetings View’ met with Value_Zero flag.”
- GS asks for clarification.
- IN: “Say Meet/Greet is scheduled in Meetings but ET moves meeting to conflicting time for a parallel Meetings meeting in ‘Meetings View’ layout. Meetings could throw an invalid flag error if met with incorrect value.”
- ACTION ITEM: IN will schedule separate meeting with ME to resolve Meetings “Meetings View” errors.
- ME: “Ugh. I might as well bend over, because that meeting is going to be more of a ‘meat-ing’ if you catch my drift”.
- ET advises Meetings does not tolerate harassment in the workplace and that ‘meat-ing’ jokes about sexual meetings are met with disciplinary action.
- GS: “Further violations of Meeting Standards To Be Met clause in company code of conduct will be met with meting out of punishment.”
- ME moves to adjourn Meetings meeting-prep meeting.
- ET seconds.
- ME,ET,IN,GS conclude Meetings meeting-prep meeting.
- “In Fairness, I Just Recently Learned What a ‘Woman’ Is”, by Travis Kalanick CEO of Uber - March 29, 2017
- Leaked: Donald Trump’s Meeting With His Business Advisory Council - February 9, 2017
- Prep-Meeting For The Meetings On-Boarding Meeting: Meeting Minutes - January 26, 2017