Through our ubiquitous underground network of ethically vacant culture correspondents in Silicon Valley, we have obtained the leaked document below; its contents represent the meeting minutes taken at a meeting that was scheduled to help people prepare for a meeting about an app being designed that helps employees schedule meetings. The app is called, Meetings.
Meeting Date: 1/25/17
Start Time: 10:00am
In Attendance: Elisha Trammel (ET), Gary Steinmets (GS), Mark Edwards (ME), Ibraheem Nihilani (IN)
Absent: None
Call to Order
A leadership meeting to prep for the on-board meeting of Meetings app’s second-round hires and interns. As a leadership team, this time will be used to ensure the 2/12 meeting runs on time and is content-rich.
Review of Previous Minutes
Previous Meetings meeting on 1/18 covered the following issues:
- GS reviews new business
- IN outlines challenges with the syncing architecture
- ME outlines new UI for tablet rollout
- ET presents and reviews candidates for second-round hires and interns, on-boarding meeting scheduled
- GS adjourns meeting
- ET suggests follow-up meeting to outline strategy for on-boarding
Agenda Item 1—Meeting Expectations
- GS sets expectations for future Meetings meetings. GS notes that in-office meeting space is limited and meetings should be scheduled with regard to development issues with Meetings, i.e. no meeting for the sake of meeting prep.
- ET advises disparate on-boarding scheduling is being met with resistance, and that prior to 2/12 meeting, meetings outside of Meetings development will be crucial in meeting HR goals.
Agenda Item 2—Meet & Greet
- ET would like to start on-boarding with meet/greet.
- ET would like Meetings app beta to serve as primary schedule resource for on-boarding meeting.
- IN: “Meetings app meeting minimum expectations for ‘Meetings Schedule’ view” is feasible.
- ME also advises “Meet/Greet” meeting in Meetings feasible since “Meetings View” UI development goals were met.
- Meet/Greet successfully added to Meetings, meeting Meetings “Meetings Schedule” development goals.
Agenda Item 3—Food
- On-boarding meeting is all-day meeting, food will be provided.
- ET advises there are dietary restrictions for new hires. Intern Susan and dev Sumeet are meat-free.
- ACTION ITEM: ET to meet with vendor for Susan and Sumeet’s meat-free meeting meal.
Agenda Item 4—App Notifications
- IN: “Meetings notifications for ‘Meetings View’ appointments not firing if ‘Meetings View’ met with Value_Zero flag.”
- GS asks for clarification.
- IN: “Say Meet/Greet is scheduled in Meetings but ET moves meeting to conflicting time for a parallel Meetings meeting in ‘Meetings View’ layout. Meetings could throw an invalid flag error if met with incorrect value.”
- ACTION ITEM: IN will schedule separate meeting with ME to resolve Meetings “Meetings View” errors.
- ME: “Ugh. I might as well bend over, because that meeting is going to be more of a ‘meat-ing’ if you catch my drift”.
- ET advises Meetings does not tolerate harassment in the workplace and that ‘meat-ing’ jokes about sexual meetings are met with disciplinary action.
- GS: “Further violations of Meeting Standards To Be Met clause in company code of conduct will be met with meting out of punishment.”
Adjournment
- ME moves to adjourn Meetings meeting-prep meeting.
- ET seconds.
- ME,ET,IN,GS conclude Meetings meeting-prep meeting.
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.
- “In Fairness, I Just Recently Learned What a ‘Woman’ Is”, by Travis Kalanick CEO of Uber - March 29, 2017
- Leaked: Donald Trump’s Meeting With His Business Advisory Council - February 9, 2017
- Prep-Meeting For The Meetings On-Boarding Meeting: Meeting Minutes - January 26, 2017
Well, I think this seems about right. So many meetings and even when you think a meeting could just be an email, you are getting stupid emails ON TOP OF THE MEETINGS. Nuts!
Always a good read!
I love a bit of humor to start out my work week!
Oh man, you hit the nail right on the head for the place that I work. We have finally reduced out “two a day” meetings to just one, but that is still overboard!