Last week it was reported that Comcast is purchasing DreamWorks Animation for a staggering $3.8 billion dollars. In addition to DreamWorks, Comcast owns NBC-Universal, Universal Parks and Resorts, Universal Pictures, and an assortment of other entertainment-related assets. This, however, aside from some Universal baggage, is their biggest jump into the center of animation and children’s entertainment.
So now that Comcast is squarely in that game, they might need some new ideas for motion pictures, right? And though this is new-ish territory, they should probably still find a way to stick to their roots and what they know best.
So here are my suggestions for a few animated films based on my many years of enjoying Comcast’s cable & internet service.
The Long Wait (Action / Adventure)
A chemical accident gives a young panda ninja superpowers, but in order to properly use these superpowers, he must be mentored by Sensei Kaybel-Gi. When he tries to be mentored by Sensei Kaybel-Gi, he is told that he must wait for Kaybel-Gi to come to him, and that Kaybel-Gi will come sometime between 9:00 and 5:00 between the years 2017 and 2020. After waiting 3 years in mixed states of mediation and shock, Kaybel-Gi never shows up.
Thank You For Your Patience (Lighthearted Comedy)
A young ogre and ogress meet online and fall in love. Even though her dating profile says she lives in the U.S., when the young man tries to call her, he finds himself speaking to someone in Malaysia. At many points during their lengthy romantic phone conversations, the ogre is tempted to fling the phone against the wall in frustration (ogres are notorious for their tempers), but the ogres soothes his raging anger by constantly saying, “Thank you for your patience”. Eventually young love triumphs, and the couple is united in reluctant but beautiful matrimony.
Searching For Signs Of Life (Sci Fi)
The earth has been overtaken by robots, and there are only 2 humans left on Planet Earth. John Thomas is one of those humans, and he is desperately trying to find his counterpart. His search forces him to talk to thousands of robots before he can actually speak to a breathing person who can answer some of his mildly obscure but still incredibly common questions. It takes John approximately 30 years before he finally makes contact. By that time, he is very very old and very very tired.
Special Offer (Thriller)
A hot shot honeybee lands a prestigious position at a honey production hive, only to discover that the hive has a monopoly and is price gouging its customers / flowers. When he threatens to expose the hive, his Queen Bee makes him a special “package” offer that can be redeemed only on that day. The only drawback to the special offer? HE CAN NEVER LEAVE THE HIVE. He accepts the offer but struggles with his decision. Will he stay or go completely off the honeycomb?
She’s The Only One (Romance / Dark Comedy)
Prince Derek lives in the Kingdom of Webs. Prince Derek desperately wants to marry a fair maiden, but there’s only a single woman in the entire kingdom: Lady Caste. Lady Caste is ugly, petulant, and frequently disappears. Despite this grim reality, Prince Derek realizes that fulfill his duties as Prince in the Kingdom of Webs unless he gets finds a Princess. He agrees to the wedding. They have a troubled marriage for many years and Prince Derek is forever in search of other options. Alas, in his Kingdom, there are none. He is screwed.
What other movies would you like to see from the latest Comcast group? Let us know in the comments.
Stephen Altrogge is a freelance writer based in Tallahassee, Florida. He writes about tech, marketing, faith, and lots of other things. He’s married to Jen and has three young girls. Every day he consumes more coffee than the entire population of Colombia. He knows more about Star Wars than any respectable man should, and he runs more than any sane man would. He once attempted to eat a 2 pound hamburger in under an hour. He failed.
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