I know – it’s my personality, right? I’m pretty insufferable. No, no, it’s ok. One of my very few redeeming qualities is self-awareness. If I didn’t know how I looked to other people I wouldn’t be as successful as I am today. Normally, someone like me would have been fired for my pompous posturing, but like Liam Neeson in Taken, I have a very particular set of skills; I can walk into a room full of wealthy investors and convince them to give me their money.
Not me, Martin Westergart, personally – I acquire the money for whatever company I happen to represent at the time. In order to earn that kind of money personally, I would have to work hard or produce some kind of tangible return on the promises I make. Things like that, as other employees here have pointed out, interest me in no way.
No, I earn on the behalf of someone else – on behalf of you. At least until a totally different company recognizes my exceptionally crafted blend of faked camaraderie, meaningless data metrics, and Powerpoint skills. Because trust me, I will cut and run from this shithole startup as soon as the very next better offer comes along. I’ve been with six different dot-coms in the past four years. I have less than zero loyalty.
Surely you remember my interview, where I seemed not just like a competent negotiator of financing but also like someone who’s truly passionate about your product. That was a fun example of the way I can put on my “passionate” hat and sell you on me. Now that I’m in the door, of course, I couldn’t give a fuck what you or anyone else here thinks about me or what I “contribute”, because I know that as soon as we need a fresh round of financing, you’ll have no one else to turn to. You don’t have the time to hire someone else, and you don’t have the soft skills to do it yourself. You’re stuck with me.
And how lucky you are! I’m good. Remember Commiworks, that Slack competitor that was marketed to Soviets and only ran on Windows RT? Well I’m the one who got that seed money and second-round funding, without a BATNA. I can spin a company’s valuation like nobody’s business – just give me a spreadsheet and I’ll make the numbers say whatever you want with an apparent passion so deep it looks like I’m fucking channeling Barack Obama. You’d think I was put on this earth to do what we do…What do we do again? Right – you’d think I was put on this earth to revolutionize the digital genesis of personal shopping experiences around the globe.
So you can listen to complaints to HR, you can let yourself be bothered by me, my ego, and my attitude all you want. But money trumps, and the truth is, you need me. Go look at your remaining cash on hand, compare it to your dreams of going public, and get back to me. In the meantime I’ll be having lunch with Susan of the SF Investor’s Circle, closing on some much-needed money so you and your five best friends–turned–employees can stay on speaking terms.
SVP, Enterprise Sales
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.
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