Editor’s Note: With the world moving further and further from tangibility and into the ether we call the internet, the job market attracts developers from all different walks of life. Coding isn’t just for that kid who lives down the street that dresses in all black and never leaves his home. Coding has transcended the stereotype to people of all walks of life including those who just went to bed 2 hours ago and come to work reeking of scotch. You just never know what you’re going to get when you place an ad for a developer.
Bradley Simpkins
4 Pennsylvania Plaza
New York City, NY 10001
212-639-9675
[email protected]
PROFILE
What’s up, potential employer? My name is Bradley Simpkins, and as you said you were seeking in your job posting, I am a Front-End Developer Rockstar, fluent in HTML5, CSS3, jQuery, Jägermeister, and arpeggios on my Fender Strat. If you are looking for a confident, seasoned, hard-working and hard-partying developer of interactive website applications and relationships with A&R reps, look no further!
EXPERIENCE
Software Support Engineer, Transcode Software, NY, New York — 2014 – Present
- Provided technical support and training for our integrated ERP software set.
- Formatted and incorporated MariaDB databases into existing systems, motherfuckah.
- Automated processes, reducing the overall development costs for the project.
- Took zero shit from the man, because I ain’t no corporate tool. You got one life. Blaze on.
- Attention to detail.
Supporting Act, Poison, The Best of Poison: 20 Years of Rock Tour — 2013 – 2014
- Opening/Support Act for Poison during Midwest U.S. tour dates (over 20 shows).
- Invited on stage in Tupelo, OK for solo in “Every Rose Has Its Thorns”.
- Gained proficiency in conflict management, innovation wrangling, hair feathering.
- Getting a gun into Canada if you’re traveling in a group by bus.
EDUCATION
University of Arizona — Science/Information Systems, May 2013
University of Florida — Music Theory/Music Business, May 2001
School of Hard Knocks, Bro
SKILLS
Coding, raging, Node.js, keeping my shit together, figuring out which one of these guys has blow, Photoshop, blotter sheets, advanced understanding of PHP and PCP, the Mutron III effect pedal, firm grasp of SEO/SEM best practices, Gecko/WebKit/Blink testing and debugging, getting her out of here before someone calls the cops, HTML5, CSS3, and W3C coding practices, hard-to-book gigs, managerial courage, organizational agility, Zeppelin.
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.
- “In Fairness, I Just Recently Learned What a ‘Woman’ Is”, by Travis Kalanick CEO of Uber - March 29, 2017
- Leaked: Donald Trump’s Meeting With His Business Advisory Council - February 9, 2017
- Prep-Meeting For The Meetings On-Boarding Meeting: Meeting Minutes - January 26, 2017
LOL, this was a good read!
Yeah, this is pretty good. We are all laughing cause we know it can happen. The funniest part is that he will be hired 🙂
This one hits too close to home. I raged it in a touring band for years and had to do the sell out thing and learn to code to pay my ever increasing SF rent.
Oh well. I pay 3500 for my one bedroom and couldn’t be happier. Got a second apartment I use for air bnb. There are perks to the sell out ya know.
I’ve got one life, blaze on.
We all laugh, but how many resumes actually come in this way ? 🙂
LOL. The college education probably speaks the loudest on the entire resume. Great work!
Thanks! Yeah, University of Arizona isn’t good for a lot but it’s a killer pull for a punchline.
University of Arizona — Science/Information Systems, May 2013
University of Florida — Music Theory/Music Business, May 2001
^lolol so true!
#mydreamapplicant
OMG! Excellent! He is sooo hired! Nice work Louis.