Hillary Clinton recently released a detailed initiative for the future of technology and innovation in the United States. Now that she is officially the Democratic Presidential Nominee, we thought it would be helpful to outline and summarize her plan and explain how its numerous components could affect the industry.
Expanded S.T.E.M. Funding
Now that Congress has redefined science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) funding to include computer science, Hillary plans to provide every student in America the opportunity to learn the complexities of digital technology. In Hillary’s vision for the future, no child should be deprived of the necessary skills to securely erase the contents of an email server.
Train 50,000 Computer Science Teachers in the Next Decade
Hillary intends to commit federal funds and assistance to professional development programs in order to create 50,000 new CS educators over the next decade—a wildly achievable goal when you consider how many out-of-work substitutes there are out there struggling to get a third shift at Starbucks. With a lot of patience, at least 30 percent of them could become proctors for a half-hour of supervised Mavis Beacon Typing Tutor.
Call Al Gore Back, Maybe
Since leaving the White House in January 2001, Hillary has spent 15 consecutive years dodging Al Gore’s calls and emails. Now that his Silicon Valley connections are more important than ever, Hillary is seriously considering getting back to him. He’s probably working on a new internet!
nydailynews.com
Opening the Higher Education Landscape
Dedicating $10 billion in federal funding to new programs like nanodegrees, accelerated learning programs for computer coding, and technical training, Hillary hopes to greatly expand the scope and number of vocational employees that Stanford graduates can look down upon.
Tech Workforce Diversity
Hillary Clinton, who currently trails an openly unapologetic bigot and misogynist in many national polls, is going to diversify the tech workplace. Yep. She’s gonna do it. She’ll get right on it. Just got to become the first female president first. Then a couple other things. But this is on the list.
Increase Access to Capital for Startups with a Focus on Women and Minorities
Non-white women also deserve the opportunity to have something on which they worked very ver hard taken from them by venture capitalists and then ruined.
Student Loan Deferrals for Young Entrepreneurs
Hillary understands how student debt can stifle innovation. That’s why she wants to defer payments and interest for those American youngsters who want the experience of being crushed under the foot of crony capitalism before submitting to one corporation after another for the rest of their lives in order to pay back debt for an education that ultimately wasn’t worth it. We’re all in this together!
Creating a National Digital Infrastructure
Thirty percent of Americans, especially in rural and impoverished areas, do not have regular access to a broadband internet connection. Hillary plans to expand access to all Americans, ensuring the comment section of YouTube remains insufferable for generations to come.
quickanddirtytips.com
Attract and Retain the Top Talent from Around the World
They aren’t “Russian hackers” if they work for the NSA!
Connecting Public Buildings to WiFi
By allowing libraries, transit systems, schools, and other public places to broadcast free WiFi, Hillary will create a “continuum of connectivity”. This will allow her to finally finish Zoolander 2 on the interminable bus ride to Sturgis, ND that Bill drags her on every four years.
The Internet of Things
Hillary plans to invest federal funding in the development of a civic Internet of Things. If the U.S. government joins the international community in commercializing 5G technologies, we can lead the world in effective targeted advertising today while paving the way for installing the telescreens of tomorrow. Remember: if there’s going to be a Big Brother, let’s make sure he’s American.
Fight for a Global Open Internet
Using the muscle of American foreign policy, Hillary wants to make sure every Chinese citizen can find an accurate article about Ai Weiwei on Google.
chicagoparksfoundation.org
Governing the Internet
Hillary wants the system that enables global internet connectivity to be governed by a “community of engineers, companies, civil society groups, and internet users, and not…governments.” So, again, good luck with diversifying the industry.
Strengthen Cybersecurity
Hillary believes that “cybersecurity is essential to our economic and national security, and it will only become increasingly important as more commercial, consumer, and government devices are networked,” according to an internal Clinton email obtained by WikiLeaks.
Defend Net Neutrality
Hillary had to give something to the Bernie people. Besides, she’s got eight years to work with Verizon on legislation to undermine this promise anyway.
Copyright Policy Revisions for Tech
Modernizing the federal copyright system to keep up with Silicon Valley’s new and innovative power grabs is the most effective way to ensure the nouveau riche throw some money Hillary’s way in 2020. Thanks in advance, Zuckerberg.
Prioritizing the Digitization of Federal Agencies
Hillary believes that by ensuring advanced computer systems drive work at all levels of federal government, she can finally force out archaic stalwarts like Nancy Pelosi.
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Feature image courtesy of Vocativ.com
Louis Weinstein
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.
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A missing detail from Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.
THERE IS NO NEED TO CONTINUE READING THIS IF YOU ARE MADLY IN LOVE WITH THE CLINTONS.
When Bill Clinton was still the president of the United States of America, did he use some type of intimidation to persuade Monica Lewinsky to suck his penis? Maybe it’s the opposite, did Monica Lewinsky request to suck the penis of Bill Clinton? A third way of asking is…should it really make a difference which one of them initiated the sucking of Bill Clinton’s penis? As the president of the United States of America, Bill Clinton was willing to allow an intern to suck his penis, also as the president of the United States of America, Bill Clinton should not have allowed such an activity as an intern sucking his penis within the walls of our White House. Only a pathetic and despicable person would take advantage of the highest office in the country to allow an intern to suck his penis. The president of the United States of America should have enough dignity and integrity to never allow such an activity to occur in our White House. Now it seems as though this pathetic and despicable person wants to live in our White House again…even as the husband of another pathetic and despicable person. Bill Clinton’s wife, Hillary Clinton has knowingly and willingly put our country’s national security at risk by using her own email server and delete over 30,000 emails, also to send and/or receive 110 classified emails. Why should these pathetic and despicable people live in our White House again? Even more important is; why should America allow these pathetic and despicable people to live in our White House again? Bill and Hillary Clinton are pathetic and despicable people for their actions, they should never be allowed within the walls of our White House, and they do not represent the America that I love and honor, nor do they represent decent Americans. As for me, the first question still stands…did Bill Clinton use some type of intimidation to persuade Monica Lewinsky to suck his penis?
And let’s not forget about Harry Reid…in the Friday 7/29/2016 edition of USA Today there is an article which; “Harry Reid suggests giving Republican fake information:” In other words, to lie to him. Here is the third paragraph word for word…Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid even suggested that intelligence officials give Trump a fake briefing. “I would suggest to the intelligence agencies, if your’e forced to brief this guy, don’t tell him anything. Just fake it, because this man is dangerous,” Reid said in an interview with the Huffington Post. “Fake it. Pretend your’e doing a briefing, but you can’t give the guy any information.” This is also pathetic and despicable, to have the Senate Minority Leader suggest lies and deception instead of an honest intelligence briefing.
THE LAST PRESIDENT…
Unemployed and underpaid screenwriter of
the political screenplay; “The Last President”,
asking $4.5 million and registered with the WGAW.
The over-indulgence of America has finally become
the failure of America, but “The Last President”
is not a documentary, nor a true story…at least not yet.
Contact info for purchase;
Douglas Paige…[email protected]
I am offering 5% of the sale price to anyone
who will be my connection of the purchase for;
THE LAST PRESIDENT…
sad knowing that the only reason that anyone is even looking at Hillary as an option is because Trump is the other, more likely, option.
Russian Hackers! Nice!