Mark Zuckerberg’s charitable company, The Chan Zuckerberg Initiative, recently partnered with the Obama Administration to host an invitation-only Summit on Technology and Opportunity.
The two-day event, hosted by Stanford University’s new Poverty & Technology Lab, will feature workshops, presentations, and lectures by people like Microsoft co-founder Steve Ballmer, economist Ken Arrow, venture capitalist Sam Altman, and Peter Thiel, founder of Palantir and Donald Trump apologist. Much of the content will be exclusive to attendees, described by Lab director Elizabeth Mason as “high-level players in technology, philanthropy, community service, government, and academia,” but through its sources, SnapMunk has obtained a leaked copy of the event’s two-day itinerary.
Summit on Technology & Opportunity: DAY 1
- A hot continental breakfast featuring a variety of bespoke toast points and nut spreads from acclaimed restaurateur Josey Baker. Gluten-free options available.
Session: “Poverty 101”
- Phoned in from Africa, rock star and philanthropist Bono shares a visceral and stirring look at what he’s found out about being poor, as part of his Bono Cares® Tele-Lecture™ series.
Breakout Teams: Personal Narrative
- Participants break into smaller groups to share first-hand experiences and takeaways from interacting with, witnessing, or thinking about the poor.
Session: “On the Relativity of Poverty”
- Steve Ballmer screams a presentation on what it’s like to own the LA Clippers despite so many of his peers owning much more lucrative, winning franchises.
Workshop: “LLC: Public Caring, Private Profit”
- Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan host an interactive workshop on “Venture Philanthropy”. Learn the true advantages of the limited liability corporation, which can be made to appear as philanthropic as a 501(c)(3), but doesn’t require financial disclosure or even charitable giving.
- James Beard Award–winning San Francisco chef Michael Tusk hand-crafts wood-fired calzones in a pop-up pergola with craft beer selections from Cellar Maker Brewery. Non-GMO crust available upon request.
Session: “The Psychological Toll of Giving”
- Y Combinator president and fashion icon Sam Altman recounts his personal struggles with the burden of deciding which promising young entrepreneurs to give money to, and how that onus has affected his life and longterm happiness.
Breakout Teams: Deeper Understanding
- Participants break into smaller groups to brainstorm ways of best connecting with the poor via innovative online portals.
- Pastry chef Shawn Gawle shares a variety of artisan Viennese Nougat Berliners paired with hand-picked whole-leaf exotic tea blends. Lukewarm tea available for attendees with dental sensitivity.
Session: “What We Do Here”
- Stanford Poverty & Technology Lab Director Elizabeth Mason will describe why the money Stanford uses to fund her department is better spent there than just giving that money directly to organizations that help people in poverty.
Performance: John Mayer Live!
- An intimate, acoustic performance from guitar legend John Mayer. No recording, please! Wine flights supplied by Alpha Omega Vineyards.
Wrap-Up for the Day
- Please allow the presidential motorcade to depart before contacting private drivers or car services.
Summit on Technology & Opportunity: DAY 2
- A cold selection of self-serve, pre-packaged breakfast items and limited light refreshments.
- Guru Baba Ramdev leads a guided meditation inspired by the disappointing breakfast that asks participants to visualize what it would be like to have to eat that kind of breakfast every day.
Session: “Minimum Basic Income”
- Nobel Prize–winning economist Ken Arrow hosts an educational game where participants who can assemble an air conditioner faster and more accurately than a robot get to eat lunch.
- Chez Panisse Executive Chef Cal Peternell presents a luscious spread of seasonal vegetables and fresh brioche sandwiches. Craft beer supplied by Russian River Brewing Company.
- Reluctant homosexual Peter Thiel debuts his long-gestating, highly secretive data visualization platform, aggressively pitching it as some sort of poverty solution somehow.
“Bringing It All Home”
- Outgoing President Barack Obama shares some tremendously inspiring and occasionally humorous words that will certainly stir all in attendance to meaningful action.
- Stanford University graciously presents each attendee with exclusive limited-edition totes, hand-stitched with the conference logo and filled with luxury items donated by the event’s sponsors.
- Elizabeth Mason takes to the stage to thank the attendees and sponsors, and outlines the ways participants can immediately help alleviate poverty—like donating to the Stanford Poverty & Technology Lab.
Louis is a Chicago-trained writer and comedian with beautiful hair, a pretty good face, and an abundance of modesty. With 10 years in technology and 15 in writing and producing comedy, his work can be read on www.cagematch.org, www.mcsweeneys.net, and numerous dismayed Facebook users’ walls (before being hastily deleted). He currently lives with his similarly gay boyfriend in the dystopian hellscape of Silicon Valley.