Straight up, 2016 was fucked. You know it, we know it, and Miss Cleo knew it before any of us. What we need to help end this year on a high note, is for a few wonderful wishes to come true. Given the arrival of the holiday season, who better to make that happen than Jolly Old Saint Nick, and through what better medium than a good old-fashioned wishlist.
All of us here at SnapMunk got together and narrowed it down to the twenty or so things we are most desperate to find waiting for us on Christmas morning, or even anytime during Hanukkah (that covers Kwanzaa too). Given our affinity for all things technology, startups and business, this doesn’t cover everything we want as far as general miracles are concerned, but we think it’s a solid start given the SnapMunk field of focus. And we’d love it if you commented with suggestions of your own!
So please enjoy: SnapMunk’s Wishlist for Santa, Christmas 2016. Be merry and be sharey!
A version of cloud-based Artificial Intelligence designed entirely by hipsters, called “Organic Free-Range Intelligence”, that only makes computations based on data that is at least 20 years old, doesn’t work when connected to Starbucks Wi-Fi, and answers every question with either, “Sorry, I didn’t see you there” or directions to the closest barber shop that also sells concert tickets handwritten on papyrus.
A pardon for Edward Snowden (or at least let him be a shirtless spokes-model for Calvin Klein’s Escape).
A reminder to my mother that “FinTech” has nothing to do with sharks.
BRING BACK VINE (#travesty)
A road trip (or space trip) with Elon Musk for one week or if it’s easier, just have him adopt us.
The Path Breath breathalyzer-based, weight-loss “wearable” (because seriously how cool are the products that we write about on SnapMunk?!)
Something resembling actual innovation from a major social media platform (wait, I can record a short little video now, which I could pretty much do before, but now something about it is kind of different, but not really, though I guess it is sort of different??? STOP THE PRESSES)
Make all trucks the Samsung safety truck:
A hack for the aforementioned truck screens so we can watch movies on them.
Speaking of movies: Based on a combination of what you have watched / not watched, and Rotten Tomatoes ratings, a Surprise Me button on Netflix.
Super Mario Run not just for Apple products, but also for Androids, PCs, Smart Mirrors, IMAX theaters, and touch-screen control panels in cars (safety, shmafety).
A dating app exclusively for Liberals / Democrats with STIs, called #ImWithHerp.
For all mirrors to be smart mirrors.
To mitigate idiocy, a wireless auto-neuro-link that connects driver brain activity to the left and right signals on cars (though we wouldn’t be surprised if nothing changed, proving once and for all that people who don’t use their blinkers are in fact brain dead).
On that note, as many $150 permits as Uber needs to keep testing self-driving vehicles in San Fran.
A drone that won’t break on a hard landing.
A shiny new Commodore 64.
That IoT technology that automatically sends you refills of things when you run out of them, but specifically designed for ice cream and pizza.
A Snapchat follow-up release to Spectacles: Spectasticles, Streaming Underwear For Men (assuming Beta trials with Anthony Weiner are successful).
For everyone to sign up for the SnapMunk Newsletter.
For every SnapMunk fan to get everything on their wishlist…except for the weird racist stuff. Maybe just mail those people a box of steaming shit instead.
From all of us here, from the bottom of our nerdy little hearts: